The Hell Within

When your heart it ripped apart And love feels slow to start And short term tells time too slow and long term says life’s unsure

And when you look below To the class in constant fervor Then above to life in quick regret And you begin to fret That only government jobs pay And in your mind theres delay.

Know that every time elites Lead a country they need backers Know that youre an attacker The assault on middle class Begins always fast

And always by police.

Rome would say bread and circus USA says reality shows and welfare.

We dont take personal responsibility. There are too many readily available cop out and we’re becoming a more and more narcissistic as a society.

Open your eyes. Stop allowing the media to turn you into mindless consumer cattle.

It is NOT impossible to be positive when you are surrounded by negativity. 

When all those around me make me feel their disappointed negative energy; when they make me feel like I can do no right; I do something to improve myself.

It makes me sad they feel that way, but if I am improving that is all I can do about the way they feel.

Do what you can and fuck the rest. 

When you feel down reach up as high as you can; after at the very least your mood will find middle ground and you will be okay with it. 

The first time I ever felt the immense weight of depression burn a whole through my heart I was in the 4th grade. 

After that I was doomed to be prone to this heavy horrible disabling feeling. 

The last time I felt depression I was drinking myself into a stupor and poisoning to death as many memories as possible. I was a senior in High School. 

I am now 20 and the happiest, most positive, enlightened person I can be. 

I submit to you that when you stop wanting to hurt and begin wanting to improve, you will. 

I did. 

There are no excuses, I have seen it all and pulled though.

I believe in you. 

My Mother that I hadn’t seen in a year came to visit me and my little sister. I was 15 I remember because I had just gotten my driving permit the day before. My 13 year old sister was my world and best friend. I would never let anything bad happen to her so I didn’t understand how our own Mother could. The day she came to visit, she handed me her keys and allowed me to drive us three. 

Me: “The breaks feel funny..”

Mother: “Just go where I’m telling you, it’s an old car.”

But she knew something was seriously wrong. I had an absolute minimal experience with driving and I knew something was wrong.

Ten minutes later the breaks went out - entirely. I had just exited the highway (where I was doing 80MPH). The car I hit had an infant in the back of the car. 

I remember thinking so clearly how to make the injuries as few as possible then, WHAM! 

She loved me that much that she would give me the keys and put all of these lives in my hands. It could have gone so terribly! I could have panicked, swerved, and killed someone; especially if it had happened while doing 80 on the highway! 

I have never been so furious in my life. 

That is the day I realized that just because someone is supposed to love and care for you, doesn’t mean they will. 

From day 1 you are on your own in this world.

My own biological mother never gave 2 shits about me. 

If you think this is a trivial instance, and that I lost faith in her too quickly, you have no idea the kinds of things I have seen this woman do and the events in my life she chose to miss. 

This was another one of those days I learned about the real world. 

When one thing goes wrong in my day, I do 3 positive things. 

The accomplished feeling always overwhelms that one tiny thing that went wrong and puts things in perspective.

If that doesn’t work.. Drink water, work out, and take a nap. This will at least refresh you for tomorrow.

At the end of the tunnel, I believe,

that is where we will find ourselves.

The original person we were fore told 

We’d be before we began to fold,

and submit to the demons within;

The urges, to sin,

The get it no matter the price.

Unforgiven goes your toll.

At least youre paid up here. 

Leave your soul for the child within,

Will bear your burden through thick and never thin,

But that’s just how the lifestyle you chose goes.

Sell your body, sell your soul, 

Trample your loved ones dig your hole.

And when you find who you once were

Sitting patiently at the end of the tunnel;

With a tear at the tip of your chin,

Begging to let it drip before its dried,

With the sleeve sown from lies,

From a face beneath the hood where it hides.

In the security of it’s fold; Identity is denied.

Looking upon your own face

Is much too much to bear.

This is the child you once were, 

Now beaten, scarred, and drowned in the poison

You suffered your body through.

But the child never numbed like you,

The child remained in the place you forgot him 

A lonely waste in the hole you left him to rot in. 

Angelic eyes glistening a question for  you;

‘Why did you leave me there on a stoop? 

With a dream in my hand

And a yearning heart?’

Malnourished and alone you waited patiently

for yourself to come back

Now the child holds out for you to behold

The dream you once had for yourself.

And its the rotted core of an apple,

For your time is up and the apple drops.

You take the hand and your heads hang low,

And you wait for judgment to be bestowed.

And your child looks up just one more time

And you have no one but yourself

To answer to for your crimes

And the child  asks you.. Why?

Will you be able to look into your own eyes

and justify?

Because at the end of the tunnel you will see,

That is where you’ll find yourself. 

The justifications and excuses offered for actions carried out and prosecuted are usually valid and pity worthy. It’s the end product that is questionable. When we do things and the end doesn’t justify the means; the excuses, however valid, still show a lack of personal responsibility and positive direction.

These people most likely lacked guidance so how can we expect them to have a functional child survive them?

You can’t teach what you dont know and you can’t teach right when you don’t even know that what you did was wrong.

When the end doesn’t justify the means your excuses are just deflecting the responsibility.

And children, are major responsibilities.